I love you Jean Rhys

My hero; my alter-ego.

“I only came in here to inquire the way to the nearest cinema. I am a respectable woman, une femme convenable, on her way to the nearest cinema. Faites comme les autres -- that's been my motto all my life. Faites comme les autres, damn you.

And a lot he cares -- I could have spared myself the trouble. But this is my attitude to life. Please, please, monsieur et madame, mister, missis and miss, I am trying so hard to be like you. I know I don't succeed, but look how hard I try. Three hours to choose a hat; every morning an hour and a half trying to make myself look like everybody else. Every word I say has chains round its ankles; every thought I think is weighted with heavy weights. Since I was born, hasn't every word I've said, every thought I've thought, everything I've done, been tied up, weighted, and chained? And, mind you, I know that with all this I don't succeed. Or I succeed in flashes only too damned well. . . . But think how hard I try and how seldom I dare. Think -- and have a bit of pity. That is, if you ever think, you apes, which I doubt.

Now the waiter has finished telling me how to get to the nearest cinema.

'Another Pernod,' I say.”

Extract is from Good Morning, Midnight my favourite novel of hers.

I tremble, they're gonna eat me alive.

I tremble
They're gonna eat me alive
If I stumble
They're gonna eat me alive
Can you hear my heart beating like a hammer
Help, I'm alive.

Check out the new single Help I'm Alive by Metric from their new album, Fantasies. I am absolutely addicted to it. Also you can download the acoustic version for free on Metric's official website.

Fictitious crushes are rad

Or am I the only one? Come on, who doesn't admit to lusting after certain film or book characters? After watching Heathers yesterday and finding a new one, I decided to put together a list. Just because. Quite disturbing to see however, is that most of my crushes are male. Sexuality crisis?


Starting clockwise:

1) JD from Heathers; an insane rebel who's mission in life is to kill all popular vacuous people in his high school. I have to say, I always went for the mad ones. See next person.

2) Jenny from The L Word; where do I start? Creative, beautiful, troubled, quirky, bitchy, insane and with a great taste in clothes. I may be a minority but Jenny is awesome.

3) Rorschach from Watchmen; damaged, intelligent and unpredictable. Apart from the slight right-wing views, he's perfect.

4) Mr. Grey from Secretary; dominating, troubled and introverted. Even though I generally prefer to dominate, this guy instantly turned me submissive.



Apart from lusting after fictional characters, I managed to obtain these gorgeous shoes.

They are a sort of summery version of brogues. Win, I say.

Also, I'm going to see Robin Ince at Bloomsbury Theatre tonight. That man is truly wonderful. If any of you are atheist with a sense of humour plus an interest in science, this is the man for you. He's currently on tour but watch out, his shows sell out fast.

From official tour website:

"Bleeding Heart Liberal is all about astronomers with noses made of gold, crazed fundamentalists, TV spats with Vanessa Feltz, Charles Darwin, the behaviour of bonobos and the poo fairy, plus pretty much anything else Robin has read about in the last year."

St. Petersburg

I am so psyched right now therefore excuse the disjointed nature of this post. I may possibly be going to St. Petersburg, Russia for two weeks during the summer holidays!



However I first must obtain the funds for this excursion from somewhere or more accurately from someone; my dear, ex-druggie, biological dad. Will keep you updated on that.

I have gotten so unused to writing a blog! Where shall I start. I have gotten a volunteering job at the BAC (Battersea Arts Centre) and I start tonight. That place is virtually amazing. The building itself has a wonderful architecture but I was bowled over by the fact that the staff are willing to make-over the place to suit the artist's/director's vision! Right now the walls are slightly blackened and various old-school toys are placed around the main lobby.


Also, pretty soon I'll be dashing off to the British Film Institute on the Southbank to see a screening of Dolls (Pusinky). It's one of the films that are currently being shown as part of the London Lesbian and Gay Film Festival.

The blurb from the festival website is as follows:

"This debut feature from Karin Babinská is a beautifully made and poignant coming of age tale, about three best friends from high school embarking on their last summer together before going their separate ways at summer's end. Iska, struggling to understand her burgeoning sexuality and why she feels different from other girls, has been forced to join her little brother Vojta at a summer camp for athletes. Whilst he can back flip and somersault like a pro, the timid Iska can barely hold her own against a punch bag. When her two friends, flirtatious Karolína and homely Vendula, turn up to whisk her away to Holland for summer jobs there’s only one problem: Vojta insists on coming along with them. Before they even leave the camp tensions mount between the trio, with Karolína and Vendula competing for the attentions of a macho security guard and Iska looking on longingly at the pretty Karolína, her secret crush getting harder to conceal from her friend. The road trip begins to deteriorate when Vendula risks going off on her own, and the affection Karolína was so eager to give Iska when it suited her purposes is callously taken away. Teetering on the brink of adulthood, trying to discover and understand who they are, each young woman takes a step closer to growing up and finding their place in the world. For anyone who has harboured a secret love, remembers the agony and ecstasy of discovering their sexuality, and had teenage friends you just couldn’t live without, Dolls is the perfect embodiment of that time and those feelings. A richly layered and ultimately uplifting film."

Should be interesting. From other slightly less interesting news, my 8 hole Doc Martens arrived in the post yesterday! Apart from looking slightly more worn than the picture on Ebay showed, they are perfect.

That's all from these few days folks!

"The earth is my body; my head is in the stars"

I quite simply adore Maude from the film Harold and Maude. The film as a whole is wonderful but her character especially embodies all the things I wish to be. In fact, I could imagine myself being a quirky old lady like her; "borrowing cars", freeing plants and animals, fighting for truth and liberty. I also quite want her house and the things in it.


Maude: I should like to change into a sunflower most of all. They're so tall and simple. What flower would you like to be?
Harold: I don't know. One of these, maybe.
Maude: Why do you say that?
Harold: Because they're all alike.
Maude: Oooh, but they're not. Look. See, some are smaller, some are fatter, some grow to the left, some to the right, some even have lost some petals. All kinds of observable differences. You see, Harold, I feel that much of the world's sorrow comes from people who are this,
[she points to a daisy]
Maude: yet allow themselves be treated as that.
[she gestures to a field of daisies]


Everyone, see this film! It would absolutely change you. I took my screenshots from here. Talking of flowers, I am absolutely lusting after these Doc Martens:


They were very nearly mine! However, due to my dimishing (or er, non-existant) funds I had to surrender them to other more rich and certainly aggresive bidders on Ebay. Fucking boo.

Привет!

Or in English, hello. This will be my little smorgasbord of each and every thing that I happen to find fascinating. Sometimes it may feature titbits from my life but I hope those will be rare. To give you an overview of myself here is a short bio:

• I am a Londoner who gets easily obsessed with things.

• Current obsessions include Russia, models, knitting, Jean Rhys, films, theatre and Doc Martens.

• I happened to be born on 1st December 1989.

• Also, I am a Sapphist (hate the word lesbian, sounds so crude) and yes, I'm out.

• The first 9 years of my life were spent in Warsaw, Poland.

Well, that being done all is left for me to say is, enjoy the ride!

Sasha Pivovarova; goddess almighty.